The Future’s So Bright (We Gotta Wear Shades)
by Absolute Thai Football
New Strategic Approach from the Thai FA
Hot on the heels of the fifteen year national team plan, I am delighted to unveil a whole raft of new initiatives from the Thai Lancaster Gate showing imagination, foresight and a determination to develop Thai football to the very highest level.
OSI Outrageous Simulation Index
Measured as 90 minutes divided by the amount of outrageous dives and rounded up or down to the nearest whole number. 7 acts of simulation would return an OSI of 13. In each game this figure is awarded separately for each team.
An OSI of 45 – 90 is optimal, whereas a figure below 15 is eligible for an Golden Swan award at the end of the season.
SSI: Serial Simulation Index
Players who routinely dive will be placed on a sliding scale of simulation (available online by the end of 2015.) Each example of Serial Simulation will be weighted based on previous diving experience. For example, a player diving for the fifteenth time in the season will carry a handicap of plus 1.5 whereas a player diving for the first time will retain his 90 minutes divided by one ratio.
USI Uncoordinated Simulation Index.
If one or more players from the same team feign injury simultaneously, the OSI index will be halved for a two players combo and quartered for three. The coach is responsible for coordinating the frequency of simulation and for any “hat trick” of feigned injuries (as seen at the recent FA Cup final) the coach will allow the nearest politician to him on the bench to sit on his lap for no less than five minutes.
SRI Stretcher return index
Measured as ninety minutes divided by the number of stretcher returns.
A team that registers a returning stretcher ratio of four in 90 minutes will achieve an SRI of 22. Any player choosing to take two stretcher return trips will immediately halve the team’s SRI. An SRI optimum index of 90 will be awarded an extra three points at the end of the season which will be taken away from any team with an SRI below 30.
If a player takes a stretcher but does not return, all previous pitch returns that match will be deleted.
ICW.Imaginary Card Waving
Any player waving an imaginary card at the referee to get an opponent booked shall receive an immediate imaginary yellow accompanied by the official’s middle finger to illustrate its colour. If the player is receives a second yellow, a two fingered salute will clarify the red card.
Handshakes on Substitution
Players substituted from teams leading a match found shaking hands with the referee on his way off the pitch will have five minutes added to the game. If they attempt to shake hands with a member of the opposition, then that player shall be allowed one kick of the aforementioned player’s backside with no sanctions.
So it’s onwards to a bright new future as the J league looks on enviously at our organisation.